“You don’t think that was a little too personal to post?”

Yes, we go to therapy. No, we are not ashamed. Yesterday afternoon my husband posted a snippet of what has been a life altering realization for him and how we are choosing to implement the plan for his healing. And you guessed it right, he is going to therapy. Last April after my mother passed away I realized I needed to seek therapy for my overall wellbeing. I was 8 months pregnant, we were in the middle of moving, we had committed to an amazing campus plant, I couldn’t tell which way was up, but sure, I was so ready to conquer the season (YEAH RIGHT!). I felt like I even had to pretty up my reasons for therapy. I remember walking in on my first day in the prettiest dress I could fit into, cute earrings, cheek highlighter poppin’, and fancy mule slides. My therapist asked a few get to know me questions while I answered with such poise and ended almost every response with, “but I’ll be okay”. I remember the following week trying to clean up the tears that were flooding down my face minutes before I was heading in. The thought came to me, “Naomi, don’t embarrass yourself. You work for a church, you’re a wife, a mom, your life really isn’t THAT bad, and people look up to you for hope- PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER”.

Why do we feel the need to create false impressions of ourselves even for OURSELVES?!?? I think it’s because the more we give into the lie, the easier it is to become it. I was trying to create this false impression that I was only going to therapy to deal with the trauma of tragically losing my best friend. Good Lord was I wrong! And then, that day, sitting in the car trying to blot tear drops, blow my eyes dry, and clean up the snot (now running down my lip), I determined that I would go in and go ALL OUT. This was my day, the day I would free myself from the impression I had created in my own mind. I went in, emotionally vomited all over my therapist, and walked out like had already given birth to Rhema AND lost all of my baby weight in the same session. I had never felt that before. It was the beginning of something my husband calls “brave humility”. 

Back to the good stuff… It’s been about a year since I’ve been in consistent therapy and the results have been forever life changing. I’ve had to continually sift through priority and not simply attending a need because I can. This revelation became contagious in all of my simultaneous roles: wife, mother, daughter, pastor, mentor, friend, sister, and soul. Giann and I have made it a necessity to have constant conversation around our wholeness. Often times you don’t realize you’re not completely healthy and whole until you begin to witness what that even looks like. For once in my life, I was the caretaker for myself and my health. It came first and every role under it was replenished. 

Now fast forward to the beginning of month two in quarantine: constant pressure to perform, create, produce, change, build, rebuild, and so on and so forth. Not to mention the just insane close proximity that we were in with each other and our kids. I mean, it was survival of the fittest over here and we were all suffering. Like I said earlier, Giann and I have always tried to create this space where difficult conversations can be safe. If I’m honest, I felt like we’ve had the same conversations, disagreements, and desires to change for some time now. This wasn’t a new conversation, but the depth of it continued to fall. Question after question we saw the puzzle pieces begin to fit with ease and tenderness. There were tears, sadness, disappointment, and even regret shared but HOPE stood strong. To understand a little bit more about us as a married couple, I guess you’d have to go back to the first year of dating: Giann got diagnosed with MS, one month later his 19 year old brother passed away in his sleep, and we were now heading to court for child custody. I mean, your first year of dating?!?! Yeah. we learned and continue to learn how to navigate the weight of ALL OF THAT to this day. But it has taught us to have a resilience for hard things. To understand that hard times are inevitable, but they won’t last forever. 

Okay, I promise no more story jumping! I just wanted to give you insight and background for why Giann has decided to make his overall health a main priority in this season. For both of us, we didn’t grow up with a clear picture of what it looked like to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually healthy. Most of us saw small portions reflected in the people we admire, but a good o’l well rounded whole person is tough to come by these days. So, why not become it? 

I remember the night a few weeks ago where the two of us sat on the couch talking about stress and happiness. He made a list of all the things that stressed him out… I swore he was writing a novel. And I remember asking him the question, “when will it ever be enough?”. *utter silence* and about 5 minutes later he replies, “It will never be enough. I work my butt off because it’s what I’m good at and confident in. Don’t you realize I’ve been in survival mode since I found out I was having a kid almost 8 years ago?”. Ladies and gentlemen, that was it; the straw that broke the camels back. Giann was living in the only thing he could do for HIMSELF and our family because it’s all he knew: survival. Yeah, surviving, not truly living and enjoying. Wandering in the assumptions of his own creative capabilities and using it as capitol for true identity. 

I’m pretty sure we’ve all done it at some point. Use all the good things we are good at to impress people, help friends, and fuel our own self confidence. That is why I share this post. I had someone ask the title question, “You don’t think that was a little too personal to post?” “What will people think is happening to him?” “Should we be concerned?”- If you know anything about Giann, he’s the guy that will introduce himself first, look you straight in the eye, and always give a compliment. He asks the hard, hilarious, awkward questions and somehow makes you feel alright. There’s a tenderness to him that you can’t bypass. And yet, like any normal human being, he has a hard time being honest with what lies beneath tattoos and creative jive. I really have been honored to get the only seat in the house to watching him mature. It hasn’t been without it’s hard days, but I wonder how many people think that because he’s the sweet, birkenstock wearing, baldheaded creative guy, that he doesn’t have unhealed wounds? He’s gone a thousand miles a minute for years to cover up the unsettled feeling in his soul. And today, he shared openly that his whole health will be his (our) priority. So, is that too personal? I don’t know. You be the judge. 

We have all felt alone. 

We have all been afraid to ask the hard questions.

We have all stood paralyzed in fear to make the first move toward our growth.

We have all made a list of excuses to ease our own insecurities. 

We have all hurt from the wounds of our past experiences.

We have all cried over situations we never had any control over in the first place. 

AND…

We are all in need of HEALING.

We are all in need of RESTORATION.

We are all in need of FORGIVENESS.

We are all in need of ACCOUNTABILITY.

We are all in need of HONESTY WITH OURSELVES. 

So, I guess the last question of the day is, have we truly been honest with ourselves? With the wants we assume we want? The lives we are trying to create to live? Or do we simply, survive because it’s an easier picture to paint?