Change of plans…
I don’t like when I hear the words “change of plans.” It instantly gives me anxiety. And, 2020 was destined to be “OUR” year. Everything we had been praying for seemed to finally be coming into fruition. It was the most exciting season we had ever imagined entering; we had just purchased a beautiful home, we were having another baby, helping build a church campus plant, my mother was going to be moving in with us full-time to help with the kids, I mean, C’mon… this was IT!
And then, one Thursday afternoon after dropping my son of to my mothers house, I noticed she was still asleep on the couch, very exhausted. I had a campus meeting and I called my brother to tell him that something was up and someone needed to take my mom to the hospital just to get checked out. My mother recently had been rear ended twice within the month, so we assumed that, that was the reasoning for her exhaustion. They kept her for observation that Thursday night and said they were going to do a biopsy that next morning. This wasn’t something foreign to us. Because of my moms double lung transplant, we pretty much knew the routine and how much extra caution the doctors took with her care.
Friday morning we prayed as she went into her biopsy knowing that God was going to see her through. Later that afternoon I came waddling my almost 8 month pregnant belly to the hospital with my best friend. My mom was in the best spirits and just feeling a bit sleepy. We took our usual hospital selfie and thanked everyone via social media for their prayers. My best friend left and I called my husband for a ride home since my mother would be released in a few hours and he would come back to take her home.
My oldest brother and I were in the room when we heard a knock at the door, but oddly, nobody came in. My brother walked outside and I continued to chat with my mom about what she was craving to eat. We joked, laughed, and just kept chatting. My phoned chimed with a message that my ride was waiting for me so I gave my mom a kiss and told her I would see her a bit later. I walked out of the room to find my brother exiting a small room with one of the doctors. His face was completely while and swollen from tears. He looked me in the eyes and said, “The doctor just showed me moms scans and she has lesions everywhere, and theres nothing they can do.” It was like having an out of body experience. I felt instantly hot and confused. He walked me down and we chatted about the weight of what the doctor was trying to say. I was so confused.
I immediately waddled over to my husband and just whispered, “she has cancer taking over and theres nothing they can do.” Even saying those words overwhelmed me. Long story short ( I will write this detailed story later on in a blog celebrating the life of my mother) my sweet Mama went to be with Jesus one week and a day after that devastating news. Till this day, I still can’t wrap my mind around that week.
In an instant, I had lost my best friend, my mother, my cheerleader, my support, my shopping buddy, my just about go-to for everything. This wasn’t part of the plan… AT ALL. I kept going back to a conversation the two of us had about her moving in, the new car we were going to get her, and just how amazing this next season was going to be for all of us. I was now consumed with planning a funeral, trying to contact all our family, friends, and support group members. I kept busy with everything that I never really hit grief head on. It came and crept it later.
About a month after her funeral, we decided to rent our house out and move back to our homely apartment where my mother was living. Later that week, my husband got into a car accident and now we didn’t have a car! I was weeks away from delivering. Again, THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I realized after having Rhema that I would need proper space to actually face the trauma, to heal, get therapy, mourn, learn to live a life without her support. It was all too much. I remember sitting down with one of my leaders at church and we unpacked all my responsibilities and their recommendations to help me slow down. A few weeks before my husband and I had a very difficult conversation about how maybe this wasn’t the time for us to lead a campus in our state of adjustment. That hurt the most. I felt like I was failing. I felt like it was my fault for not being strong enough to carry on. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I do it all? Why didn’t I have the capacity within me to balance all the changes? why?? well, because I am human.
Nothing in the season we were so excited about went the way we had imagined. In fact, it went 10 steps backward in the opposite direction. My heart and the disappointment I was carrying consumed me. All in all, I’m actually still standing full of peace and acceptance for the changes. It helped mold me and see that when things don’t go as planned, God still equips us with what we need. He is still there, very present, very powerful in our season of shifting. It is the shifting that builds resilience and dependence on His greater plan and for that, I am SO thankful. My encouragement to you those of you who have or are currently walking in seasons of the unexpected change of plans, embrace the change, even if it hurts. God is still the God of comfort and he makes ALL things (even the unexpected things) new.
